There is knowing and a left over feeling...

When I was younger, I imagined that love was easy.
it was nothing but the flows of passion, and its streams, its ebbs,
Sometimes I dance, and her love is easy,
More often, it is those who see too late,
they move with the delight of another generation,
they drop their skirts with abandon,
they speak of the peace, and love, of another
that strangers can imagine these moments
They pretend that I was there,
that I know,
that I see the beauty... of their shape, of their movements,
I take home that longing in my own,
that left over passion,
I see the nakedness of their passion
they are peaking in stealing from me
I cannot hold it all,
I cannot share,
I am naked in their embrace,
I have nothing but my soul, it is weak
and it hurts, that they see,
you, you know that it is too real,
yet you dance, too hide...
I dance, inside, for you

Getting Older

"Here's to another year of complete disregard for age appropriate developmental milestones."
I like this statement because it is very appropriate. Cata sent it to me for my birthday. Getting older isn't so bad when you ignore its ramifications.
Had a time last night. Some friends and I were suppose to have a slow night, dinner and few drinks with some live jazz. The band played happy birthday.
The next thing I know, I am drinking jack in a night club with a... madame? She was older, very attractive and seedy. She said she worked with models. Then I told her off.
"Hey Jack, didn't we agree not to see each other anymore?"
"Yeah... but it's your fucking birthday!"
Man, I was drunk. I was that kind of drunk that only whiskey can give. Breathing fire and feeling like the man. Fuck ya! I'm not sure if she was crying when I put her in a taxi.
I've been trying to remember what I said to her. She was complaining about China and the future. I told her to look around at all these people making a go of it in Shanghai... something, something, pointing at waiter, swearing... it is a wonder that she didn't just make out with me right then and there. I was on.
Didn't blackout though. That's a victory in and of itself. Jack is off the menu for the significant future as is pissing myself and vomiting.
I am getting wiser in my old age.

I am filled with hate.
I met the love of my life and it has escaped.
She told me that it is wrong.
That China is gone for me. I crossed that line. I pissed on it.
I hated it. I made love to it.
I am that left over bull shit you fucked...
I am hate... I am that red headed guy that will make love to you in the leftovers.
I am wrong. I will push that life that does not exit.
I will be the ghost that cannot be,
I will remember that time you brought pretend stories.
We are the embers, for I will live my life through a memory...
I hate you because you left me for dead.
Your models have no eyes.