Lonely

My last roommate left just hours ago and the feelings of longing are already setting in. I want a warm body to share my thoughts, feelings, and space. I never thought that I would have these needs. I had thought that I had been able to step away from these needs and go it alone. Isn't that what a traveler does? Finds, explores, documents, and leaves?
I have a feeling that I figure the world out every six months or so. I then forget what I learned. I was an acid trip in my more adventurous day and I began to cry. I had, or so I believed, that I had figured out "God" but it had slipped away like an intangible that was not meant for me. The feelings were real, the rest, who knows. What is real anyway?
As I age, I get the feeling that I am getting smarter. I still make many of the mistakes I made as a youth but less often. My ability to reflect is becoming stronger as well. If I could only hold on to those conclusions, I may actually start getting traction.
I had a conversation with Adam a few years ago. We were driving through Mount Pearl and having a conversation about unattached sex. I expressed my general disdain for it while Adam was arguing that it was the bees knees. I couldn't figure out why I disliked it so much but I think I may have this time. The unattached kind is about two steps ahead of masturbation. Sure it's great and it gets you where you want to be, but in the end, it is hollow, a little too empty. It doesn't fill all my needs.
Anyway, my loneliness is getting to me. I need to go home and get something going before I go insane.
Happy New Year...

Two Steps Forward

Feeling a little stumbly today. I have that ache in my neck like I slept in the oddest position. I'll be able to sleep well from now on. German goodbye and French kiss for the asking; do I want it? Of course I don't know if I can have it but I think I could.
Had a meeting today with John. His thermals were peeking out from his thrift shop sweater. Dripping honey between weird little belches, he convinced us that his dream would make us all rich. In between, he let it be known that he was losing his grip on the whole project. The various mandarins of the Shanghai Medical community smelled profits and were not about to let a two-bit transplant surgeon have it all to himself. Yet they still left him to plan it all.
His chosen consultant is a queer fellow with poor taste. Pauper shoes and old coats, he drops platitudes like cheap beers. "Thanks, mate! Don't blow the budget on the $3 worth of drinks!" I might just be a prick but I am definitely a hateful prick. Am I really to follow these fools into a business selling dreams to the desperate? I have mud on my hands and I haven't even been paid.
Why is student in a cheap suit the best dressed man in the room? Who are these people and why am I here? Bitch and moan as the cockroach scurries past. The bathroom shines as they do a little jig. Oh yes, we do need a place to stay. Any ideas of where?

I can't remember who told me that lost love is never forgotten...

Every time I see you, I remember. I see the time you danced by the shed as the moon shined on in delight. I hear your voice as we rolled under the sheets like new born-babes. I taste your lips as we drank each other in by the sea. I feel the skin of your neck against my fingers...
I hate myself for all the mistakes I made. I hate myself more for making the right decision, for following my mind, my logic. I hate myself for knowing that it was all wrong when my soul said it was right. My fingers knew. My lips knew. My cock knew... Why so stubborn?
Your words cut me. A voice over the ether can talk shite and enjoy the show. I can dance and play and laugh and not remember... I can't pretend with words. They are mine to own, to roll over and over in the mind's eye.
You call me a liar when the truth cannot be spoken, when it is too hard to say. Your love sustained me in woods. Your words sweetened my sleep, your face my dreams. I will never forget. You don't haunt me anymore except for the words...

A Golden Ticket to Where?

I may have just been handed my ticket. My ticket to the next big step, the next big step to a grand adventure I cannot conceive.
I may have just been hand my ticket to a globally transcendental view. A view so wide it burns my cortex with possibility.
I may have just been handed my ticket to a place I do not want to go. To place that steals my energy for a purpose that is not of my choosing.
I may have just been handed my ticket to a new life. A new life that will be overlapping the one that I do not have.
I may have just been handed a ticket and it terrifies beyond belief. The terror is just setting hold. All the old daemons are smiling their wicked grins and all I can do is grin back like a mad man.

The Colonel's Revenge

I have spent the previous 30 hours or so wrestling with a toilet. As smart as I think I am, it took me forever to connect the instantaneous pain in my guts the to slippery deep fried morsels that had just passed my lips. The next few hours are a disgusting blur of pain and desperation.
I wished during those hours for a chance to simply skip ahead. To leave all this shit, muck, and pain behind. Around midnight I decided to have a puke, a visionary indiscretion I should have considered long before. Not a second after entering the bathroom, a torrent of spew flew from my mouth. I mean this stuff was everywhere, everywhere! All over the toilet, bathtub, floor, walls, not to forget my pants and feet. Yeah!!!
I awakened from my fetal embrace with two truths burning my brain: the chicken had definitely made me sick and the last heave was a bile that had a remarkable similarity to the substance passing through my anus. Fuck yeah!!!
I made love on that toilet all night long. Danced a sherbet flavoured macarana so sweet you could not imagine. Fretful sleep and day dream hallucinations kept me company all day. Do not forget the salty grape juice and nasty crackers. "No watermelons! They will make your arse explode!" We would not want that, now would we?

Hedonism's Younger Brother

Another life time has passed. More memories destined to fade have been born. New friends with bad habits have found each other again and fondling kisses in the rain make for bitter-sweet tunes. Have I learned a thing worth noting? I'm not sure. Life is too serious to be wasted writing useless reports leading to poor options. The masses are gathering to vent their frustration. Of that I am not so sure. The subways are definitely full of the half dead. I am waiting to see guys with sticks jamming us in. "No thanks, I'll catch the next one." They are giving their lives away for a promise that is hard to ensure.
Cheap, cheap prices... I see why the foreigners love to play in this city by the river. Tastefully chic with dollops of consternation. The service is so friendly because they would be in a coal mine if they had not worked so hard. Are they lazy yet? Some are lazy, like fat dogs in the sun. They are my friends and we drink together...
The migrants are taking what is theirs. They sell their wares to the passersby and they get their coins. Lost fingernails and all allow the babes to drink their tainted milk. If they make it from the river, they are greeted as aliens in an alien land.
I can't feel bad for the Chinese. That is like feeling bad for America. The vastness of the city is beyond description. One hundred kilometres from north to south and one hundred and twenty kilometres from east to west... the people keep coming. They push and take so that their babies can have rice.
"A liar's love is still true. The only wonder is to whom it is directed."

A Shanghai Minute

I picked this name because it reminds of that song "A New York Minute". I can't say that I've ever listened to it but I've heard the reference. It goes fast... Shanghai is a little different. Time is strange here. Weeks fly by but yesterday seems like a million years ago. We grow faster than perception allows me to fathom.
I wanted this blog to be a record of my life. My tongue spews such shit that gold flies out from time to time. I have seen too much in only a few weeks and it dissappears just as fast. Perhaps this will allow some of it to stay put.
Shanghai is a city twisting itself into a monster. It is being flooded with humanity and our shame is showing. It is leaking blood into the river. Yet, it is more beautiful than I can describe. Such purity has not been seen by me in the West in some time. Maybe I don't want to see it anymore... maybe I'm afraid.
This city fascinates and disgusts in equal measure, a proper home for me in a journey of self-discovery. Like all of us, I have been morphing though my experiences in love, fear, pain, and lust... and this is just a dirty little yarn for ye'all.